Compatibility… Why Some Opposites Attract And Others Implode”


Based on my study of psychology, long observation and my own experience, I come to present you with a finding which will aid you in choosing an ideal partner. Or at lest give you some ideas about compatibility. Along with all other commonly observed factors like maturity, intelligence, beauty, emotional stability, status, goals, opinions, etc., etc… Let’s discuss personality. Why do some people have “a type”? Why would one person be so hot to your fried, but you can’t see it? What makes a person “right” for you?

During his lifetime, Carl Jung decided to roughly categorize human cognition (how we observe, process and interact with everything in and outside of us). Based on his classification of 8 cognitive functions, we ended up with many Jung-derived/inspired personality theories. I took interest in them as a hobby, starting with the unfortunately watered down MBTI, eventually being led up to a Russian theory that amazed me with it’s specificity and usefulness: socionics.

But I didn’t come here to nerd, I came here to talk about one part of it: romantic relationships from perspective of socionics. From Jung’s work, socionics like all others, derived 16 personality types.

Each one of them has a specifically defined type of “relation” to all the other types. By explaining how they relate to one another, I will explain to you who you should date (or will likely date regardless of reading, because you’re still wired that way). Of course, since cognition is just the base skeleton of your personality, your upbringing, trauma, culture, or biases can prevent you from living/choosing in a way that’s more suitable for your personality type.

Duality. Throughout your life whenever you ask for understanding, specific company, shared desires, struggle with a weak point, get annoyed by particular personalities, but others are relaxing,… You’re asking for your dual. Someone psychologically designed to understand and cognitively respond to positively on all fronts. Less someone is like your dual, less they will stimulate you.

Your greatest strength is an almost weakness of your dual lingering just out of their use, and vice versa. You improve one another. They also openly like, and do what you like in secret, or that you wish you could do more of, and vise versa. Duals also match one another’s romance style and sexual behavior; compatibility without which, people see what attracts their partner as “something to be ignored”, or “adjusted”.

Duality Example…Esenin (IEI) – back , and Zhukov (SLE) – front

movie “Fight Club”; beta quadra

Half of the human population doesn’t date, or even relate to their duals that often, unless lucky enough to have dual parents or siblings, learning early on in life that is the type of person they want. Duals are seemingly opposites, yet speak the same language. Because of this they are likely to live somewhat different lives before seeing one another at their few meeting grounds. As people mature, grow, improve and become more rounded and self aware, they become more likely to leave their comfort zones doing what scares them, and in doing so meet their duals. Most duals tend to find one another after gaining some life experience in what they like and who they are as people.

Activity. These relations are second best to duality and more common for teens, people’s early twenties and most common type relation for friendships (and friendzone). Partners understand one another, connect, stimulate one another into movement and improvement, feel more “soulmate like” at first glance than duals do, but need a bit more patience and eventually tire one another out and need a bit of a break. While these relations self repair quickly and have great potential, they are not the ideal cognitive match.

Very likely to end in marriages after longer periods of dating. If you imagine duality symbolized by a perfect, functional, nuclear family with few children where each person knows their role and everything is working like a well oiled machine, imagine activity symbolized by a big family with a bunch of kids running around and parents who somehow get to make everything organized, but it takes more effort and looks messy at first glance.

It should be noted that lots of people prefer to seek out their activator instead of their dual, because on the surface they seem more like you, than your duals do (introverts seek introverts, extroverts extroverts). Also, the person seeking may have had a bad experience with someone who looked like their dual, but was in fact their conflictor (a completely opposite type, an irritating kind of relation), so they decided to play it safe.

Note: This ease of connecting to someone in both duality and activity will be meaningless if individuals in the relationship are mentally unstable/extremely stressed/depressed, unhealthy, or have highly opposing values.

Nor does it mean that easier understanding eliminates all fighting. It just makes it easier to resolve.

Conflict. Conflictors meet by accident while seeking to dualize. While our duals often intrigue us and we may be inclined to look for our opposite at some point, we may not be able to recognize them right away, because people outwardly most similar to our duals, are nothing like them on the inside. This relation of fake similarity between our Dual and our Conflictor is called “Quasy-identity” or “Semi-identity”.

So if, say, your dual is a female with a sweet, kind, vulnerable, stoic, stubborn, morally absolutist and gentle type of personality, while subconsciously seeking her out, you may end up stumbling across a cute, sweet, gentle, vulnerable-LOOKING, emotionally manipulative, morally relativist, direct and imposing type of personality. Thinking you’ve found your dual you begin to date her and she drives you insane, you walk away thinking she is a manipulative, douchey, drama queen and she, who was also seeking her dual, walks away thinking you’re a pu**y with a stick up your a**.

People who end up walking into (even marrying) their conflictors are those who spend most of their lives befriending people outside of their quadra by accident, because of low social skill thus a lack of choice, or people who grow up in families who don’t share their quadra, get pressured into adapting and later seek out the familiar “not their quadra” people.

So to find your dual, you first have to discover your quadra and then your type. For amusement’s sake here I can offer you stereotype descriptions. Stereotypes focus on the most prominent aspects of a very complex and nuanced personality type/quarda for you to get the general idea, but please keep in mind self typing and quadra alignment is a lot of work. The only way you can self type, or by an amateur is if you are almost the stereotype of your personality type, the “poster boy/girl”. Otherwise you would have to invest a lot of time, to study this yourself.The goal here is not to type you, but to give you general ideas about compatibility. If you’re really masochistic, go for the source material.

The 16 types are sorted into 4 quadras, or “social groups”. They are alpha, beta, gamma and delta. When you are with people of your own quadra, you feel like you’re “among your own”, “home” in a sense of being understood… The ideal relations for marriage and dating are found within your quadra, the already mentioned: “duality” and “activity”. Conflictors are found in the quadra opposing to yours. Opposing quadra are; alpha <-> gamma quadras, and beta <-> delta quadras.

Any sex can have any personality type. Types are all over the place with gender ratios, but…Few types are predominantly held by women, few predominantly held by men. When predominantly male types are held by women and vice versa, it is sometimes obvious… Those individuals often being branded as “femme fatale”, “tomboy”… Or “vulnerable and artistic”, “effeminate”… unless they choose to actively work on looking more in line with their gender expectations.

Noted romance style for each dual couple (Rom.Style) is a rough category of romantic engagement. Aggressors (initiators, leaders, more tough than tender), Victims (provoking, careful, submissive), Caregivers (nurturing, protective, calm), Childlike (goofy, vulnerable, sensitive). Each type has their own specific, even unsuspecting way of manifesting these, so to read it, click here.

Alphas are quadra characterized by strong curiosity, love of philosophising, relaxed, happy-go-lucky

“party” atmospheres, almost any alpha “drama” is in service of a joke, welcoming open hang outs, physical comfort, honesty and clarity, propensity for hedonism and indulgence, lack of intense seriousness and nurturing/care taking of other people.

Dual pair of Robespierre (LII Ti-Ne; The Analyst; INTj) and Hugo (ESE Fe-Si; The Communicator; ESFj) appears as if a union of a social, clever, open, organized and polite, warm and fatherly/motherly Hugo who seems to be able to handle so many things at once and is dating absentminded, clever, scientific, nerdy, intellectual professor type Robespierre. Child-like in the matters of the heart, simple and vulnerable, yet so clever, Robespierre causes Hugo to just want to indulge them. Hugo enjoys Robespierre’s ability to stimulate their mind and explain the world with little vulnerability to emotion that blinds Hugo, especially in youth. Robespierre will often help them see what is a priority and not let them stretch themselves too thin. Hugo takes pleasure in using their emotion and love in tearing down Robespierre’s wall of cynicism as their endless intellectual arguments quiet and they give in to Hugo. Robespierre admires Hugo’s kindness, brightness, heir energy, their ability to be there for everything, yet still remember to remind Robespierre to eat something. And somehow they haven’t.

Rom.Style: Hugo as Caregiver – Robespierre as Childlike

Dual pair of Dumas (SEI Si-Fe; The Mediator; ISFp) and Quixote (ILE Ne-Ti; The Innovator; ENTp) look like a couple made up of studious, relaxed, careful, smooth, funny and diligent Dumas dating a quick witted, devil’s advocate, fun, crazy-inventor, talk-myself-out-of-trouble Quixote. Dumas enjoys Quixote’s head brimming with ideas, effortless humor that always makes them laugh, wit, intelligence, optimism that always lifts Dumas up, above all their surprisingly unwavering loyalty, fun attitude and entrepreneurial spirit. Quixote enjoys Dumas’ organisation, their relaxed, even participatory attitude towards Quixote’s adventurous, risky undertakings and almost a compulsive need to “poke the bear” due to a quick tongue. Also Dumas’ ability to bring a little order and organisation into Quixote’s world is very much appreciated, as well as to soothe the atmosphere when Quixote pokes and prods it too much, basically pissing off all the sensitive people around. Dumas has the power to comfort anyone in just the right way. For Quixote, those are the arms they return to covered in ashes once their latest experiment has exploded in their face.

Rom.Style: Dumas as Caregiver – Quixote as Childlike

Betas are characterized by funny directness, toughness, vivid emotional expression, intellectual simplicity rigor, passion yet lack of sensitivity, a sense of group identity and group activities based on excitement, subtle hierarchies based on social influence, deep respect for all members, sometimes inappropriate humor, a strong sense of duty and loyalty to those they love.

Dual pair of Maxim (LSI Ti-Se; The Inspector; ISTj) and Hamlet (EIE Fe-Ni; The Mentor; ENFj)

give the impression of a stoic, scientific, precise, scientific and steely-eyed, skeptical, stoic Maxim who will only ever do things they find objectively superior and stimulating enough, dating a poetic, expressive, passionate, yet highly empathetic and emotional Hamlet who almost everyone enjoys and feels truly seen by. Hamlet is like a whirlwind of colorful emotion and Maxim is their stake in the ground, keeping them from flying away. Maxim enjoys Hamlet’s passion which fills their world with color and inspires them when nothing else could move them. Hamlet will raise revolutions with teary-eyed masses behind them off to take down a government, yet still hide in Maxim’s arms when they get hurt and feel like breaking down. Hamlet enjoys Maxim’s mental toughness, smarts, precision and realism, finding both their safety and excitement in it. Maxim is the only one who can overpower Hamlet’s whirlwind personality, handle their dramatic approach and actually enjoy doing it.

Rom.Style: Maxim as Aggressor – Hamlet as Victim

Dual pair of Zhukov (SLE Se-Ti; The Commander; ESTp) and Yesenin (IEI Ni-Fe; The Lyricist; INFp) give the impression of a go-getter, imposing, “aggressive” type of person Zhukov, ambitious and status-driven, somehow involved with the graceful/sophisticated, mysterious, irrational, insightful and empathetic Yesenin with eyes that peer into your soul. Sensitive, yet taken by Zhukov’s military style “crude and simple” ways of doing things. Yesenin is attracted to Zhukov’s constant desire to impose and conquer, because everyone else just falls prey to their subtle emotional influence dancing to their tune like a string puppet, even without Yesenin trying to influence. Seemingly vulnerable Yesenin makes everyone want to protect them, but Zhukov does so by teaching and taking the lead, not letting themselves be seduced into becoming full time butler/nanny. Yesenin surrenders all control making themselves both vulnerable and valuable to Zhukov. Once Zhukov finally relaxes, fully trusts Yesenin and gives in to the pull, they “place their heart at Yesenin’s feet” showing their true helplessness before all the emotions they carefully conceal behind a front of strenght and dominance.

Rom.Style: Zhukov as Aggressor – Yesenin as Victim

Gammas are characterized by subdued expression yet intense emotional atmospheres, planning for success above all, even if they plan the fun, sharing and creating of wisdom, deep analytical thinking, ambition, slow to welcome newcomers, dark humor, hierarchies based on “objective value”, teasing to mess around, exclusivity of the inner group to a point of introversion.

Dual pair of Napoleon (SEE Se-Fi; The Politician; ESFp) and Balzac (ILI Ni-Te; The Critic; INTp) are a couple consisting of a loud, go-getter, stubborn, conquer, often the most energetic and loud person around – Napoleon, who will be assuming leadership in any group, both intense to inspire and sensitive enough to easily get into conflicts, dating a highly intellectual, independent, quiet, sarcastic, cynical, a bit slow moving, tactical and careful Balzac. Balzac is the typeof person powerful people are drawn to for intellectual competition, but who simply lacks pride to actively engage anyone, thus inducing trust in Napoleon who is quick to become spiteful and rejecting if they sense they are in a duel. Balzac, being a bit inert and socially awkward(asshole-ish) will often develop great insights and mental maps, but not act on them, while their take-it-or-leave-it advice is the only kind Napoleon can truly take. The relaxed atmosphere is established between them and they truly let loose going from “aristocratically polite” to “ripping on each other” creating an exposing, intimate power play in a private safe atmosphere.

Rom.Style: Napoleon as Aggressor – Balzac as Victim

Dual pair of Jack London (LIE Te-Ni; The Enterpriser; ENTj) and Dreiser (ESI Fi-Se; The Guardian; ISFj) are a couple consisting of Jack, an ambitious, suave, clever, intuitive, fast paced, optimistic, romantic risk taking and an adventurous entrepreneur dreaming up paths less traveled over and over again, dating a careful, pedantic, dutiful, detail oriented, bookish hard worker Dreiser, a person who easily gets stuck in a rut and appreciates Jack’s romantic, strong spirit, imagination and persistence. He likes to pull his partner back on schedule when Jack gets taken in by a romantic conversation, or idea. Dreiser also fiercely protects justice and fairness when Jack who isn’t the most aggressive person around is being taken for ride. Together they make a great team no matter their goals and this harmony is what leads them to develop respect and loyalty for one another, not fearing to critique their partner and other people, finding intimacy in this mutual understanding, pushing one another to be the people they can respect. Intimacy is rarely publicly displayed, mostly with Dreiser’s embarrassed protest as it imposes on their normally upstanding image.

Rom.Style: Dreiser as Aggressor – Jack as Victim

Delta’s are characterized by friendly, fun but subdued peaceful atmospheres, quirkiness, welcoming attitude, but tendency to hold back on opening intimately up to outsiders. Comfort and practicality is placed first, group enjoying activities together, great deal of attention is given to morality, member equality and appreciating individuality.

Dual pair of Stirlitz (LSE Te-Si; The Administrator; ESTj) and Dostoevsky (EII Fi-Ne; The Humanist; INFj) are a couple consisting of determined, direct and to the point, disciplined but calm, practical, goal-oriented, strong Stirlitz, dating a gentle, persevering, seemingly quiet and shy, dutiful, romantic, caring, wise and empathetic Dostoevsky. Stirlitz is someone who places emphasis on smarts and being of tangible value to the world so they enjoy taking care of practical needs of loved ones as a way of showing love. Sweet, non-confrontational Dostoevsky also provokes protective instincts in them. Dostoevsky, who is isn’t as comfortable being aggressive, none the less grows resilient, because they deeply care about being of help to others. This purity of character is also what draws Stirlitz to them who eventually take charge managing/leading the union lifting the bigger burden of responsibility, to Dostevsky’s delight. Stirlitz in turn gets deeply insightful psychological care Dostoevsky offers to those they love, their spiritual/romantic thoughts that resonate with Stirlitz, loving attention to detail in helping with making a home, and warm comfort by Dostoevsky’s side, preventing Stirlitz from overworking themselves.

Rom.Style: Stirlitz as Caregiver – Dostoevsky as Childlike

Dual pair of Gabin (SLI Si-Te; The Craftsman; ISTp) and Huxley (IEE Ne-Fi; The Psychologist; ENFp) are a couple consisting of quiet, calm, precise, artisan, perfectionist Gabin who meticulously arranges the sensory world around them into harmony, unable to stand boring, drab, dull things. They are often conscientious and perfectionist towards themselves as well, which leads them into becoming very self critical and withdrawn if they fail… And Huxley, a lively, quirky, seemingly weird and unadapted to life, fun, ball of energy which finds their quiet place of rest by Gabin’s side. They are very adept at coming up with quick solutions and seeing potential in people, readily giving out compliments, lifting Gabin when they get stuck. People sense their kindness and honesty, forgiving their hot temper if it flares up. Gabin often takes some chores and manual tasks themselves, not trusting Huxley will “do it right”. They are prone to worry a lot, preferring their slow, shadowy world to messy people, yet the life and color Huxley imposes on them is not annoying and bothersome like many others, but warm and exciting, making Gabin hope and gladly forgive for Huxley’s failings like being too altruistic and a bit disorganized. Together they nurture one another’s independence and creativity.

Rom.Style: Gabin as Caregiver and Huxley as Childlike

As you can see, every dual pair has matching practical, intellectual and emotional need based level of entanglement, leading to longest, most successfully maintained marriages according to socionists. Thanks for reading. Sincerely, Dostoevsky (EII) đŸ™‚